Becoming A Servant (again)

I have missed this space.  Space for me to unravel, dump, be encour­aged, and just be my raw hon­est self.

Life hap­pens, and when it does this space is usu­ally the first I have to let go.  Some­thing has to be lower on the pri­or­ity list and unfor­tu­nately it is this lit­tle place for myself.

How­ever, today I am carv­ing out some time to write.  Because I must…must unravel.  Please do not judge.

I pre­vi­ously wrote about my per­sonal word for the year: Becom­ing.  Dif­fer­ent from my family’s word: Con­quer.

Today I took another step into Becoming.

Becom­ing what?

A mother. Or more accu­rately for this space: A MaMMa.

I have never hid­den the fact that this “mom” thing is not my style.  It’s not me.  I’m okay at it, and some­times I down­right sur­prise myself with my cre­ativ­ity or pat myself on the back with the way I han­dled a sit­u­a­tion.  I make myself proud.  But it stops there…at the word “some­times”, and prob­a­bly more accu­rate is “rarely”.  Right now our fam­ily is going through a sit­u­a­tion that is painful.  It has made me stop and won­der about Pule & why in the world God gave her to us.  I even wrote about that recently here.  In sum­mary: our fam­ily dynamic may have noth­ing to do about us, and all about her.  We may never even see the fruit of our pain and suf­fer­ing.  But for her, it has to be worth it.

Today how­ever I kind of slapped myself in the face.

I believe some moth­ers are “called” to be moth­ers.  They are given the tal­ent for it.  Oth­ers, like me, are given chil­dren for other rea­sons.  I’m not say­ing these moms are not good, they most cer­tainly are!  “Good” does not equate to “called”.

How­ever today in my pastor’s mes­sage he chal­lenged us to be “The best leader there is.”  Many of his exam­ples were taken from par­ent­ing.  Call­ing par­ents to SERVE their chil­dren.  WHAT?!!!! Isn’t it MY time to be served?  Yep, that’s just about where I am at.  It’s my time (come on…we all have our moments of being self­ish right? Well, I hope I am not alone in being a lit­tle hon­est here)!

Yet when I think back on my time in the min­istry, or even in lead­er­ship oppor­tu­ni­ties through­out the years, I do recall many affir­ma­tions of my ser­vant heart.  So, okay, I can serve…again.  But serve Pule? What does that look like?

Hon­estly, I don’t know, but what I can cer­tainly tell you is that I have not been serv­ing her.  I have par­ented her.  I think I should even say that I have par­ented her from afar.  Know­ing she is God’s and not mine has kept me at arms length to a cer­tain degree.  Please do not mis­un­der­stand me, I love her dearly and as much as pos­si­ble.  My heart has grown leaps and bounds for her and I know she was given to us by God for some greater pur­pose.  I am only say­ing that I think it has allowed me to not take full respon­si­bil­ity for being her MaMMa.

How­ever, after hear­ing today’s mes­sage I am chal­lenged to find what it means for me to serve my daugh­ter.  How do I:

Serve her in a way that points her to her Cre­ator, her Father and her King.
Serve her in a way that shows the love of a mother, wife & daugh­ter.
Serve her in a way that respects fam­ily, friends & strangers.
Serve her in a way that expresses love.

In only a few weeks Pule turns 3. THREE! I have not served her well.  Or, if I have I have not done it with a servant’s heart (did you catch the dif­fer­ence?).  I need to fig­ure out what that looks like for us.  I know I have par­ented well, loved her well & taught her well.  There may be ele­ments of ser­vice in each of these, but I have not had a deter­mined pur­pose to serve.

Today I am Becom­ing. Becom­ing one who will do her best to serve her daughter.

What actions do you believe to be exam­ples of “Serv­ing” your child?