Embracing the challenges & blessings of a blended & bicultural Samoan family

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Becoming A Servant (again)

October 12-Christmas eve 058 blogI have missed this space.  Space for me to unravel, dump, be encour­aged, and just be my raw hon­est self.

Life hap­pens, and when it does this space is usu­ally the first I have to let go.  Some­thing has to be lower on the pri­or­ity list and unfor­tu­nately it is this lit­tle place for myself.

How­ever, today I am carv­ing out some time to write.  Because I must…must unravel.  Please do not judge.

I pre­vi­ously wrote about my per­sonal word for the year: Becom­ing.  Dif­fer­ent from my family’s word: Con­quer.

Today I took another step into Becoming.

Becom­ing what?

A mother. Or more accu­rately for this space: A MaMMa.

I have never hid­den the fact that this “mom” thing is not my style.  It’s not me.  I’m okay at it, and some­times I down­right sur­prise myself with my cre­ativ­ity or pat myself on the back with the way I han­dled a sit­u­a­tion.  I make myself proud.  But it stops there…at the word “some­times”, and prob­a­bly more accu­rate is “rarely”.  Right now our fam­ily is going through a sit­u­a­tion that is painful.  It has made me stop and won­der about Pule & why in the world God gave her to us.  I even wrote about that recently here.  In sum­mary: our fam­ily dynamic may have noth­ing to do about us, and all about her.  We may never even see the fruit of our pain and suf­fer­ing.  But for her, it has to be worth it.

Today how­ever I kind of slapped myself in the face.

I believe some moth­ers are “called” to be moth­ers.  They are given the tal­ent for it.  Oth­ers, like me, are given chil­dren for other rea­sons.  I’m not say­ing these moms are not good, they most cer­tainly are!  “Good” does not equate to “called”.

How­ever today in my pastor’s mes­sage he chal­lenged us to be “The best leader there is.”  Many of his exam­ples were taken from par­ent­ing.  Call­ing par­ents to SERVE their chil­dren.  WHAT?!!!! Isn’t it MY time to be served?  Yep, that’s just about where I am at.  It’s my time (come on…we all have our moments of being self­ish right? Well, I hope I am not alone in being a lit­tle hon­est here)!

Yet when I think back on my time in the min­istry, or even in lead­er­ship oppor­tu­ni­ties through­out the years, I do recall many affir­ma­tions of my ser­vant heart.  So, okay, I can serve…again.  But serve Pule? What does that look like?

Hon­estly, I don’t know, but what I can cer­tainly tell you is that I have not been serv­ing her.  I have par­ented her.  I think I should even say that I have par­ented her from afar.  Know­ing she is God’s and not mine has kept me at arms length to a cer­tain degree.  Please do not mis­un­der­stand me, I love her dearly and as much as pos­si­ble.  My heart has grown leaps and bounds for her and I know she was given to us by God for some greater pur­pose.  I am only say­ing that I think it has allowed me to not take full respon­si­bil­ity for being her MaMMa.

How­ever, after hear­ing today’s mes­sage I am chal­lenged to find what it means for me to serve my daugh­ter.  How do I:

October 12-Christmas eve 052blogServe her in a way that points her to her Cre­ator, her Father and her King.
Serve her in a way that shows the love of a mother, wife & daugh­ter.
Serve her in a way that respects fam­ily, friends & strangers.
Serve her in a way that expresses love.

In only a few weeks Pule turns 3. THREE! I have not served her well.  Or, if I have I have not done it with a servant’s heart (did you catch the dif­fer­ence?).  I need to fig­ure out what that looks like for us.  I know I have par­ented well, loved her well & taught her well.  There may be ele­ments of ser­vice in each of these, but I have not had a deter­mined pur­pose to serve.

Today I am Becom­ing. Becom­ing one who will do her best to serve her daughter.

What actions do you believe to be exam­ples of “Serv­ing” your child?

Becoming

When The Sun Rises
Kuzey­tac (will be back soon) / Nature Pho­tos / CC BY-NC-ND

The past few years I have been ask­ing God to give me a word for the year to help me find focus. This year’s word was CONQUER. I feel so strongly about CONQUER and every­thing I have been going through last year and some of what I know I will be fac­ing this year.

How­ever, the past few weeks there has been a shift. A shift from one word to another. Seri­ously God… how can you give me one word and then change it to some­thing else?

CONQUER is for your fam­ily… I have some­thing else for you…“
Ohhhh.… now that makes sense.

Last August I decided to do some­thing for myself. It had been a long time and it was THE time. I joined a club…not a gym, but a club. Thank you Life­Time Fit­ness. Finan­cially it was a tough deci­sion, but the right one.

Since then I have dropped a good amount of weight and am pur­su­ing a health­ier lifestyle. Some­thing I have wanted to do for a long time and now had the account­abil­ity and the resources to guide me.

In the midst of my tri­als last year, I made it a pri­or­ity to press through and press on.

One of my goals in life is to leave a mark.  A mark of God so that He would be glo­ri­fied some­how, some­way.  Some­times this goal is com­pletely over­whelm­ing, but it is doable.

In order to do this I real­ized it was time to address my tri­als head on, but also set them aside to focus on myself.

So…what is God’s word for ME?

BECOMING

Becom­ing a bride of Christ

Becom­ing the wife I am need­ing to become and want­ing to be

Becom­ing one who loves deeper…forgives often…no strings

Becom­ing the mother Pule deserves & God is ask­ing of me

It wont hap­pen overnight, but I have real­ized the hard­est part was sim­ply stop­ping and tak­ing the time to look at myself and real­ize:
I am important

I am needed

Focus­ing on myself just might be the most impor­tant so that I can focus on others.

Becom­ing…

I don’t know how I will BECOME, but I know it’s my focus for me.

How have you focused on your­self this week? Extend a lit­tle bit of grace…to YOU.

Be Still. Stop & Listen.

chills or tears?

Curious look
hapal / Foter / CC BY-ND

I have shared this story with a few friends this past month and got dif­fer­ent reac­tions: Chills or tears.

The past few years God has given me a word for the year.

A word to keep me on track

To keep my per­spec­tive when things get tough.

Remain grounded.

2012 my word was OVERCOME.  And we did.  It was one tough year, yet there were lessons learned, fears faced and chal­lenges triumphed.

How­ever a few weeks ago I hit a wall.  I had com­pletely lost my focus.  I had “over­come” within my grasp and yet I felt defeated.  I couldn’t snap out of it.

Then God sat down with me.  I only had to invite Him (but some­times we for­get right?).  I was reminded of all the ways I had “over­come” this past year.   But then it hit me.  God had already given me the word “con­quer” a few days prior.  This day it over­whelmed me…so over­whelmed.  I heaved.  I had barely made it through 2012.

God, how in the world will I be able to CONQUER?  I have noth­ing left…nothing.  Can’t I have a word like “heal,” or “rest?”

{silence}

So I waited and con­tin­ued to heave.

There have only been a few times in my life when I knew God was right with me and spoke as clear as day to me. I wel­comed another one to add to my list.

Leah, you have over­come, and you have done it well.  It is time to con­quer, but this time it is up to Me, and I have already started

After a deep breath: peace

Rest, I did.

Heal, we will.

What’s your reac­tion? Mine…pure peace. Con­sider invit­ing God to join you.


One Gift

This year has cer­tainly been tough on me and my fam­ily.  I have done my best to embrace it and grow within the world of chal­lenges.  I think I have done okay.

Then 27 peo­ple died in Newtown.

I couldn’t watch the news.

That night I did go in and sit in the rock­ing chair in Pule’s room after she was asleep.

Just sat and rocked.

Looked and wondered.

Won­dered why on earth she was over there sleep­ing in the bed?

Why had God given her to us, of all people?

This con­tin­ues to be a chal­lenge for me.  If you are new around here you may not real­ize I didn’t always want to be a mom, and I still don’t quite under­stand my role (and maybe I am not alone here).

I hope you don’t get me wrong and think I don’t love and cher­ish my dear Pule.  That is not the case.  What I can eas­ily say is that when you may not be happy or thrilled for the “okay God, I will do that”, if it is God’s desire for you and you desire to obey Him, your heart will change so that the “OKAY GOD!” comes deep from within and you become pas­sion­ate about it.

I have to always step back and con­tinue to acknowl­edge that Pule is not mine.  She is God’s.  She has been given to us to care for here on earth.  While I have been walk­ing through my year of “over­com­ing” with all of it’s grit and grime, I have come to the real­iza­tion that this may not be about me at all, rather about Pule & God’s plan for her.

That one thought is a gift for me.

This sea­son has been all about a gift.

It could be as sim­ple as receiv­ing a cash gift from a friend.

or a clean house because some­one else gave me their clean­ing lady for the day.

Maybe it is more com­pli­cated, such as the fact that Christ­mas is about gifts. The one gift of Grace.

The fact that my life cen­ters around this one gift of my child, so this Christ­mas sea­son (and every­day) should cen­ter around God’s gift to us: Jesus.  This year we are cel­e­brat­ing with that one thing in mind.

I pray for the moms & dads, broth­ers & sis­ters, friends & fam­ily who have all lost some­thing pre­cious right now.  That they are able to receive the One Gift wait­ing for them in midst of pain and suffering.

Is It Worth Having a Record? (Guest: Nancy Rue & giveaway!)

FFP read­ers and new visitors,
I am more than thrilled that my friend (do you have those friends where it s an honor to be theirs? This is one of those for me) and col­league Nancy Rue is vis­it­ing us today with an incred­i­ble word.  A word that I needed to hear and have yet to hon­estly grasp it’s full mean­ing in my life right now.  FFP­MaMMa is par­tic­i­pat­ing in a week-long blog hop this week and there is an awe­some reward if you are inter­ested in par­tic­i­pat­ing (more on that below).  Not only do you have the oppor­tu­nity to enter to win the Reluc­tant Prophet tril­ogy, but to also visit other authors (ahem…best-selling ones at that!) and blog­gers.  Nancy has given us some tough ques­tions to stop and con­sider.  You might want to grab a cup of cof­fee (or wine) and sit down for a few min­utes. This is more than just food for thought. 

My fel­low Nudgees and I have finally hopped to you, the com­mu­nity at Leah’s blog. As I’ve got­ten to know Leah I’ve been inspired by her deep integrity and I’m think­ing we’ve landed in the per­fect place for today’s ques­tion. For the last five days we’ve been deal­ing with the tough ones asked by The Reluc­tant Prophet tril­ogy, and in true fic­tion writer fash­ion, I’ve saved the hard­est one for your group, Leah, because who bet­ter to han­dle it?

Here it is: What if a law has to be bro­ken in order for you to fol­low a Nudge from God?

We’re talk­ing here about that sub­tle whis­per or know­ing or even poke from God that says, “You need to do this, no mat­ter what it costs.” In a pre­vi­ous post along the five-stop “hop”, we dis­cussed the per­sonal sac­ri­fices that some­times have to be made. Rela­tion­ships can be bruised or even irre­triev­ably bro­ken and as Jesus says in the Gospel, we need to count the cost.

So – what if the “cost” involves a legal fine? A day in court? A night in jail? A brand spank­ing new arrest record?

In the third and last book of the tril­ogy, Too Far To Say Far Enough, Alli­son faces that ques­tion when a very young pros­ti­tute ends up at her door. Now, Alli­son already has a record after being arrested in the park in The Reluc­tant Prophet on trumped up charges that Chief is able to make dis­ap­pear. But this is on an entirely dif­fer­ent level, and it involves peo­ple she cares about.

Our young Offi­cer Kent risks his career and looks the other way to do what he thinks is morally right rather than what is depart­ment policy.

Chief takes a sim­i­lar chance by advis­ing Alli­son how to stay just this side of the law. Barely.

That lov­able, irre­press­ible social worker Liz Doyle puts her job on the line in keep­ing Alli­son to hypo­thet­i­cal ques­tions and doing research for her.

Alli­son her­self could be arrested on sev­eral dif­fer­ent charges in her attempt to save this young girl’s life.

The first ques­tion, of course, is: “Is that okay?”

We could say that Jesus broke laws – the ones he knew were either ridicu­lous or down­right harm­ful and cer­tainly ungodly. Oth­ers since have fol­lowed suit – Ghandi, Mar­tin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks. My friend Joyce Hol­ly­day, who endorsed Too Far, accu­mu­lated an impres­sive num­ber of arrests when she and other were found­ing Sojourn­ers in Wash­ing­ton, D.C.

So is it “okay?” I think Jesus would say it depends on the moti­va­tion. Are you break­ing an unjust law in order to change the way peo­ple are treated? To wake peo­ple up? To say I don’t care what hap­pens to me in the process but this can’t stay the same? I’m think­ing Jesus is right there with us.

But that begs the sec­ond ques­tion: “Can we go that extra mile?”

How many of us would be will­ing to spend a night in a cell with pros­ti­tutes the way Joyce Hol­ly­day did, over and over? How many of us would risk beat­ings and even death, as the Free­dom Rid­ers and other Civil Rights work­ers did? And how many of us would sneak out­side the let­ter of the law as Alli­son did to pro­tect a child from falling into the bow­els of the system?

Okay, so most of us won’t be called to take such dras­tic mea­sures. God obvi­ously doesn’t want all of us in jail or noth­ing would get done, y’know? But I think we are all called – nudged – to some­thing sig­nif­i­cant and it usu­ally entails pay­ing some kind of price, tak­ing some sort of risk. So what’s our bot­tom line ques­tion? What’s our lit­mus test?

In Too Far To Say Far Enough, Alli­son dis­cov­ers what I believe we all have to dis­cover, day after day after day: is it about lov­ing another mile?

Lov­ing the body of Christ.

Lov­ing those who don’t know the body of Christ.

Lov­ing those who hate the body of Christ.

Lov­ing enough to let peo­ple hate you.

If you put it like that, then, yes, I’d risk a great deal to love another mile. I may have risked los­ing some read­ers by lov­ing my way through these five ques­tions. We all cer­tainly risk ridicule when we live full-out for what we know is true. But I’m think­ing I’d like to have that on my record: “she loved the extra mile.”

Thanks for going these miles with me over the last five days. There may have been some unset­tling moments for you, but now – the reward!

Did you all make it through that? I have read it and reread it…still soak­ing in.  A while back I wrote a post, Who is Jean Val­jean, which speaks to being unjustly accused.  I hon­estly think there is a fine line we are walk­ing here with these sub­jects. One that is per­sonal for each of us, yet pub­licly judged at times.  Every sit­u­a­tion is unique and one you have to deter­mine is right between you and God.  Thank you Nancy for writ­ing this tril­ogy and chal­leng­ing us to pos­si­bly love dif­fer­ently.  It was an honor to have you here today.

Now what you have prob­a­bly been wait­ing for…winning books!  Nancy’s pub­lisher, David C. Cook is giv­ing away:

Reluc­tant Prophet series (3 books) to 10 win­ners,
PLUS 10 copies of Reluc­tant Prophet to each winner’s recip­i­ent of choice.

Nancy will per­son­ally sign each book as well as include a let­ter with Reluc­tant Prophet to your per­son of choice.  Visit here for the Raf­fle­copter entry form and offi­cial rules.

If you are join­ing the hop mid-way through and not sure where to go, here are all the stops for each day.  That way you are able to max­i­mize your entries into the give­away, as well as cap­ture Nancy’s heart as she wrote this series:

Mon­day: Nancy Rue, The Nudge “What Hank Says … About Leav­ing the Pew”
Tues­day: Mocha With Linda “Will the “Real” Chris­tians Please Stand Up?”
Wednes­day: Jen Hat­maker “When the Nudge Dri­ves a Wedge”
Thurs­day: Julie Cantrell “That Whole ‘Unequally Yoked’ Thing
Fri­day: Far From Per­fect MaMMa “Is It Worth Hav­ing a Record?”

If you would like to con­nect with Nancy, she can be found here:

Web­site: www.nancyrue.com
face­book (adult fans): www.facebook.com/nnrue
face­book (for teen fans): www.facebook.com/nnrueforteens
twit­ter: www.twitter.com/nnrue
pin­ter­est: www.pinterest.com/nnrue
In addi­tion to Nancy’s blog, The Nudge, (for her adult audi­ence), she also has a blog for teens (In Real Life) and for tweens (Tween You and Me)

About Nancy:
Nancy Rue is the author of over 100 books for adults and teens, includ­ing Heal­ing Waters, which was a 2009 Women of Faith Novel of the Year, and The Reluc­tant Prophet which received a Christy award in 2011. Nancy trav­els extensively-at times on the back of a Harley Davidson-speaking and teach­ing to groups of ‘tween girls and their moms and men­tor­ing aspir­ing Chris­t­ian authors. She lives on a lake in Ten­nessee with her Harley-ridin’ hus­band Jim and their two yel­low labs (with­out whom writ­ing would be difficult.)